Time

As I wait for those brief moments my heart cries out in torture. Missing pieces of my soul just gone. Nowhere to be found except hiding in the past. Never to be whole again. This is what it feels like to be empty. The emptiness consumes. If only. It won't. How much my Gemini needs me but it will never be. We are split. 2 parts of one. Cracked in half. Splintered connections spark within the darkness but there isn't enough light to find the way. I'm lost. I miss me when I am whole. Teardrops escape reminding of what was. If only there was a way. There's not, not today.

I'm angry

I didn't realize how fucking angry I would be once he was released a decade early because our stupid ass fucking Governor made it happen. But I'm mad. I'm pissed. I'm beyond fucking angry. Fuck you, you piece of shit. You don't deserve to be out of prison. Fuck you Governor Inslee for releasing him. Fuck all of you. Fuck! I'm so fucking angry.

It's fine.

It's fine. It's not but it's fine. I have this horrible feeling of just acceptance right now. It's happening. I can't stop it. It's almost here. I hate it. I'm mad. I'm angry. I don't care. I just don't want to think about it. I'm disgusted this is happening. Horrified too. Worried. Hopeful but not. Terrified. So fucking unbelievably fucking angry! So fucking mad. For real. It's just wrong. It's not right. It makes me sick to my stomach. I could literally almost cry. I won't tho. I don't like to cry. So I don't.

He's being released. A car sprayed with bullets. Lifetime injuries that only get worse as time goes on. It seems surreal. He is the whole reason we were all shot. He left. He got guns and his friends. They came back for us. To kill us. I didn't even know them... They wanted us dead. They tried. One gun jammed. If it didn't we would all probably be dead. I can't believe the Governor would release him almost a decade early. Where's the justice for me? Where's the justice for my friends who survived? Where's the justice for the one who committed suicide a few years back? You don't steal justice from a dead man. It's not right.

Nothing about this seems real. I'm not ready for this. I thought there was more time to prepare myself mentally. There's not. It's here. Just a few more days of being safe from him and then it's gone. Goodbye feeling's of safety. Goodbye comfort in knowing where he is. Goodbye justice that was stolen from me :'(

Fatale

An Earth shattering scream pierces the crisp morning air.

The girl who got shot rambling about summer and life

Summer always kicks off with a blast :-) my birthday, sunshine, lakes, fun times!

It was really good for me to get a couple weeks by myself. Not that I don't love him being around but there's something amazing about having my own personal space that has nothing to do with anyone else but me. Being able to just decompress by myself as myself without hindrance of any kind is absolutely fantastic!

Bumping my music all night, going out and having drinks with friends, walks and random adventures, puppy play time, none of that 'what's for dinner' conversation, get cute or PJs all day... Who cares? ... Not on any schedule, no worries, bed all to myself! I love me time!

However... Without him around it gets rather, quite boring, I must say. So a couple of weeks is OK.. But I wouldn't want it any longer than that because seriously he's my adventure buddy!

Heading to the ocean this weekend for Pirate Days!!!! Can't wait to see the puppies dressed up like Pirate's (my favorite part) they're seriously adorable in their little costumes!

Well.. Let's see, what else has been going???? Accrued a horrid sunburn by chillaxin on a float at the lake for hours. Totally worth it ;-) ... Unfortunately I've been having panic attacks more often, kinda sucks but what can you do? I've been shot up, it's part of my life. I'm just trying to have as much fun as possible to distract myself from my own worries about him being out early. Like, I seriously hate the fucking waiting part. I'll just cram pack life with fun and live it to the fullest because that's what I do.

So that brings me back to what am I going to do next??????? I'm hoping there's camping in my near future ;-)

All right y'all, thanks for listening to the ramblings of the girl who got shot :-*

-side note-
I saw a double rainbow today, it was huge, majestic and completely magical!

Why?

Why is it always that my mind goes back to the past and the way I wish things really would be? It's never gonna happen, you can't change history... But a girl can dream can't she? I can wish with all my heart that I get exactly what I want.. Truth is that won't ever happen. I know this. Life can't change. The things that have happened to me can't change. Nothing can ever go back to the way it was before..i sure wish it could.. Oh how I wish it could So hard. The future cannot compete with the past. It has to be entirely unexpected and amazing and when it's not... It's utterly disappointing.. I'm so fucking disappointed in things.. That's why it's making me wish so hard for things to be different but they won't ever be. That's life. You move on... Right? You give up the past hopes and dreams and wish for new and different.. But is it really better? Or just different? There are things I really wish I could change. Seriously would love to change. I think I need to go out and get away from my own mind for a bit..i can't seem to handle it.

Ocean adventures

I climbed up on the rock the day before and smoked a bowl overlooking the sea. It was calming and absolutely amazing! So proud of myself for making it up and then back down! I love this beautiful world we live in!